What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize