I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
i barfeds in our rink
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Randomize
