Will you blow on my dice?
i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
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