paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Randomize
