Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
If it was for sex do you really think i would asking for a mass vote? I'm like fidel castro when it comes to sex. No public approval needed.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
BRING THE BAGELS
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
