i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize