I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
