I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
Randomize
