John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
I love how my cats smell like pot.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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