I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
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