i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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