proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
