And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
