John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
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