Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize
