after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Randomize
