Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
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