the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
