OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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