Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Randomize
