I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
