Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
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