my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
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