So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
I have all the porn. Be there soon
Who is this?
Randomize
