Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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