Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
I was watching truelife I'm transgendered. This tranny already got a date a week after getting a vagina. I've had a vagina my entire life and can't get a date.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Randomize
