soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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