Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Randomize
