God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
