Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
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