note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
Randomize
