fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
