I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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