does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
is wine microwaveable?
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Randomize
