i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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