My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize
