Don't make out with my wife yet
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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