Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
Randomize
