I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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