Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
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