if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
