I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
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