I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize