Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
