I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
