It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize
