Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
