and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Randomize
