all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
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