i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
