if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
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