I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Randomize
