Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Randomize
