Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
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