It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
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