Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Things he has managed to cum on so far on spring break: my bikini, my back-up bikini, three of my four bras, two pairs of panties, four beds, six chairs, the floor of several hotel rooms, the window/door to the balcony from both sides, my tits, my face, my stomach, his stomach, my ass, his best friend's girlfriend's face, and his best friend's dick.
Just FYI spring break is over and you're supposed to be back in class but hey sounds like you had your orgy so congrats.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
Randomize
