Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
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