I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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