the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Randomize
