I saw his package. It spoke to me.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Randomize
