just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
Princesses don't give blow jobs
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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