The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
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