I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
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