my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Randomize
