You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
Randomize
