So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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