I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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