"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize
