You'd love this place it's beautiful. Plus these people smell like garlic
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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