then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
Last comment. I know of no exercises, diets or practices out there to help keeping balls young and healthy. They simply succumb to gravity.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Randomize
