He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
