either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
