I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
home. puking in laundry basket.
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Randomize
